Emotional rollercoaster

Hello everyone.
Let me just apologise in advance for a long and (probably) depressing journal.
As you might have noticed, I've been on a very long hiatus here on this dA account. Some of you might have followed me on my second page, KnitLizzy where I've spent my time for the last year and a half.

The thing is that I've hit the wall mentally, and pretty hard at that. 
2011 was probably the best year of my life, winning the Norwegian Championship in goldsmithing, graduating from "college", moving in with my boyfriend, selling tons and tons of my jewelleries at Desucon, getting a real job at a real jeweller, attending the Scandinavian Championship in goldsmithing... But karma's a b*tch and decided to get me back on the ground starting 2012...
I lost my job cause the new boss was an total ass and told me I was worthless, I gained way too much weight, I fought a losing battle with the unemployment agency, whom also told me I was worthless, I lost friends within my field whom I considered my family for no apparent reason... I just lost faith in myself. All of this built up anxiety and depression which prevented me from working with what I loved the most, jewellery and metal. 
I started to hide from my own workshop. Entering the room filled with my profession scared me and made me sad. I avoided emails with commissions, messages with requests from people wanting to buy my stuff. So to all of you whom has tried to reach me over the last couple of years, I am sorry for not responding. I am sorry for letting you all down. It also didn't help when I found out that the postal office here in Norway does not approve of sending gold, silver and gemstones outside of the country if you don't send it on behalf of a company, which I can't since I don't have a company. That ment that I lost 90% of my potential buyers.

And I am still down in the dumps. We moved to a new place last summer, where I was hoping for a new and better start. But I'm still without a job and my workshop is still sitting in boxes, unpacked...
I'm just barely scratching the surface here, but bottom line, I've pretty much lost all of my hope, and I am sorry for have let all of you guys down. I am trying to pick myself up, but it is hard and it does take a heck load of time. 
The only thing that have kept me from breaking down over the last years are knitting. Knitting has been my therapy, and while it haven't made me better and removed my depression, it has kept me stable and non-suicidal, which is why I've made my second account here on dA. I've made new and wonderful friends because of it, whom are probably worth so much more than those I've lost.
But goldsmithing are still an aching wound in my heart, which I can't seem to close cause of real life friends and family whom still expect so much from me and are greatly disappointed in me. Life sucks, that's nothing new, and as always, I'm the one to blame.

Now, when it comes to the more drawing related stuff, which is a sort of happier note, I am currently trying to get back on my feet. Over the last 5 years, I've been on and off with my drawings after I lost my greatest muse ever (you should know who you are). 
I just can't seem to create something original and unique, which is sort of ok... Fanart sells, fanart is popular and it doesn't require you to think too much. It is overdone, yes. Original artist should have more if not all of the attention, and I do agree to that statement. But right now, I am using fanart as a support to get back into the swings of it. 
I have been drawing over the last few days, which is the first time I've picked up a pencil in over a year. It's not the best, it might not get posted here on dA, but it is something. I am surprised in myself for have gotten so far on the two sketches I got going on, and I do hope that I'll manage to finish them and then be able to move on to other drawings. 
For the past year, I've been dying to get back to painting, which was the medium I used a lot the last time my life was breaking, 8-9 years ago. Bob Ross has been a great inspiration and I'm hoping to someday try out his technique. I did try it with dry color pastels, but it just didn't turn out as good.

I don't know what more to say other than sorry for have let you all down. I am sorry for have been a cold wall. And I am sorry for everything else, but all of this has been out of my control, and sadly, you can't just drop anxiety, depression and mental scars, even though society thinks it's that easy and doesn't provide you with help.

I am not looking for pity, it's more like I'm reaching out for some understanding or maybe even help.

I am trying, and I am hoping that I've reached the bottom now, so that the only way out if this, is up.